I’m learning how to rise above all the chaos and broken dreams. I’m learning to [breathe].
I still recall those feelings of hopelessness; feelings that have taken me down a spiral and to a point where I could no longer see a way out. I still cannot explain how I reached a state where my reality was separate from everyone else’s. It all felt like a dream. I despised reality. Life was just a very stubborn hair that wouldn’t get pulled out.
“I fondled the blades of the scissors with my fingers as I reflected on a dream I had last night. Did I ever wake up? And if I did, why did my mind keep going back to that dream? My subconscious had taken over, and it was determined to finish that episode. Sometimes I feel as though my subconscious is a totally different person. In your waking life, you want certain things, but in your dreams, you want something else. Why do I feel like my subconscious is completely autonomous?” February ’11
We’ve all had our share of drama, and if you don’t know how to deal with it, it can break you. I made a mistake. I allowed it to break me. I let every occurrence, big and small, get to me. I was a sponge, absorbing all negativity around me.
“As the wind blows,
A sick feeling in my stomach grows.
Each whistle is a threat of destruction.
One will be a deafening announcement
of the end of evolution.
It is a day where all will be
like helpless babies in their cribs
Only God will remain untouched.” March ’11
” I love looking at lights through the magnifier. There’s just something enchanting about blurry lights. As I floated in the pool yesterday, I tilted my head back a bit further so water would cover my goggles. I wished I didn’t need to breathe, because that was so heavenly that I wanted to look at it forever. It made me think about the afterlife, and how we Muslims believe that in our graves are windows to our ‘final and eternal destination.’ I don’t want to have a window overseeing hell… ” March 28th, 2011
“Yesterday was my pelvic MRI. It was uncomfortable. It felt like being in a dimly lit and air conditioned coffin. I did not like that. […] It gave me time to reflect on things. In my grave, I will be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to die… As humans, we’re scared of the unknown, and faith in God or whatever perfect being makes it easier. ” May 9th, 2011
Several close friends were there for me and still are, and I will always be indebted to them. But no matter what they said, it changed nothing until I made the decision to stop worrying about the future. I needed to start making the best out of every day. Life is short and it was too early in the game to quit.
Going to the gym, working part time for a month and a half at Dar Al Hekma College, and freelancing, all helped me stay focused and gave me a sense of purpose and achievement.
So here I am, two and a half months later. I still don’t understand how I reached such a state, but I learned a lot from it. Whenever I’m feeling down, I look for a momentary escape; it could be art, writing, or a good book.
I have many writings that I chose not to share. Not because it’s too personal, but because people tend to label each other. I did not want to have the “Depressed Poet” label laid on me, because that’s not who I am. It is one of many states.
I will be going to Cairo very soon, and I have to admit that I’m a little scared. But I have a feeling it will be a rewarding trip as always.